Managing Conflict Outside of Mediation
Sometimes— Less Talk Can Lead to More Progress
Mediation is designed to help separating couples make thoughtful, respectful decisions without the stress of court. But when tensions are high and communication breaks down outside of the mediation room, the process can feel challenging. With the right structure and mindset, even high conflict situations can move forward productively.
One of the most effective strategies for reducing conflict in mediation is surprisingly simple: limit conversations outside of your scheduled mediation sessions—especially if those discussions tend to lead to arguments, misunderstandings, or emotional distress.
High Conflict Situations
In high-conflict situations, conversations between sessions can easily spiral into old patterns of blame, defensiveness, and reactivity. When that happens, it can erode the progress made during mediation and leave both parties feeling discouraged or stuck.
By limiting your communication to scheduled mediation sessions, you will benefit from:
- A neutral setting with a skilled mediator to help manage emotions and keep the conversation on track.
- Built-in structure and time to prepare your thoughts calmly rather than reactively.
- The opportunity to focus on solutions—not rehash past disagreements.
If something important comes up between sessions, write it down. Bring it to your next session, where you will have the support and framework to address it together.
Keep in mind, it is not useful to copy your mediator on emails or text messages related to arguments or emotional exchanges outside of mediation. These communications are rarely productive and are better handled during your scheduled sessions, where we can work through them constructively.
Set Communication Boundaries That Work
If you are currently in mediation and your conversations outside of the process are not productive, it may be time to hit pause. You might say:
“Let’s agree to save important discussions about our separation or parenting only during our mediation sessions, where we can work through things more calmly and effectively.”
If you need to communicate about urgent parenting logistics or issues, keep the tone brief, respectful, and focused only on the task at hand. Many mediation participants find that using a co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard, helps minimize unnecessary conflict.
Use the BIFF Method for High Conflict Communication
If an using an app is not your style, and you do need to communicate between sessions—try using the BIFF method: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. It’s a technique developed by conflict resolution attorney and expert Bill Eddy, and it’s especially helpful in high-conflict situations.
In fact, I have written a whole blog post on it—click here to read it. You will find real-life examples of how to use BIFF to keep communication respectful, clear, and calm—even when the other person is not.
Keep Moving Forward
Limiting contact does not mean shutting down communication forever. It means choosing to talk in the right setting, at the right time, with the right support. That’s what mediation is for.
If you are feeling stuck or discouraged, don’t give up. A short check-in session with your mediator may help reset the tone and give you new momentum. And if you need emotional support between sessions in mediation, your mediator is happy to point you toward trusted resources and professionals who understand this process.
You are doing the work of building a better path forward. Even in high-conflict cases, progress is possible—one calm step at a time.
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The information provided on this website does not, and is not intended to, constitute legal advice; instead, all information, content, and materials available on this site are for general informational purposes only.