How to Respond to a Co-Parent Using BIFF
Dawn Clement, Attorney & Mediator
Co-parenting in times of conflict can feel like walking through a minefield. Messages seem to carry blame, bait, or emotional triggers designed to provoke. Whether it’s critical, controlling, or inflammatory, the question becomes: How do you respond without adding fuel to the fire?
Enter the BIFF method, developed by attorney/therapist Bill Eddy. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm—a framework designed to help you communicate clearly, protect your boundaries, and de-escalate conflict, especially in high-conflict co-parenting situations.
BRIEF
Long-winded responses give high-conflict personalities more to twist and react to. The more you explain, justify, or defend, the more room there is for the conversation to spiral.
💡Tip: Keep your message concise. Stick to the point and avoid adding commentary or emotion.
Example:
Instead of:
“I can’t believe you’re accusing me of being late again when it was YOU who changed the pickup time last week. This is just like last month when—”
Try:
“I’ll be there at 4:00 p.m.”
INFORMATIVE
Stick to the facts and share only what’s necessary. High-conflict co-parents often try to bait you with emotional language. Don’t take the bait.
💡Tip: Avoid defending yourself or pointing out inconsistencies. Your goal is to provide information, not win an argument.
Example:
Instead of:
“You clearly don’t remember what we agreed on. I’ve told you a hundred times—”
Try:
“The parenting schedule says that drop-off is at your house this week.”
FRIENDLY
This doesn’t mean warm and fuzzy—it just means you keep a tone that’s respectful, non-hostile, and professional. A simple “thanks” or “hope you’re well” can go a long way in defusing tension.
💡Tip: Think calm and courteous—not sarcastic, passive-aggressive, or defensive.
Example:
“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll plan accordingly.”
FIRM
Close the door gently but clearly. Don’t leave the conversation open-ended or invite more conflict. You don’t have to respond to every accusation—only what’s relevant to parenting.
💡Tip: Set boundaries without engaging in back-and-forth. You are not being rude – you are being protective of your peace.
Example:
“I won’t be discussing this further. Let’s stick to using the parenting app for future scheduling.”
A Real-Life Scenario: BIFF in Action
Email from Co-Parent:
“As usual, you’re late again and completely unreliable. The kids are always disappointed because of your lack of planning. Honestly, it’s pathetic. Maybe you should stop pretending you care and just admit you’re a terrible parent.”
BIFF Response:
“I’ll be there by 4:00 p.m. as scheduled. See you then.”
Short. Direct. Emotionally neutral. No need to respond to the insults—because you’ve got better things to do, like being the stable parent your kids need.
BIFF Works!
Using the BIFF method does not mean being passive—it means being strategic. You are not giving up your power – instead, you are choosing not to waste it. When you disengage from the conflict and stick to Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm communication, you protect your mental health—and set a healthier tone for your children.
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The information provided on this website does not, and is not intended to, constitute legal advice; instead, all information, content, and materials available on this site are for general informational purposes only.